Thursday, October 22, 2009
OK! More weight-loss journey love today...I left off in my weight loss journey talking about being in the business relationship where my heart was in it, but it was not the right place, it was not the right partner, nor was it the right time. DustJacket books was a dream, but I was personally downtrodden and emotionally overwhelmed. I was trying desperately go make the relationship with my business partner work and it wasn't.
Cleaning and putting out new stock after a big used book purchase
So, when this knight in shining armor showed up, this boy who brought me gifts and called me sweet names, it seemed like it was an answer to prayer. Really what it turned out to be was one more step down the wrong path. I am SURE that someone out there is thinking:
"Ok, Mary so the other day you were just writing about how your past is part of who you are! How can you say it was a wrong path?"
Just because we come across something that LOOKS good, that LOOKS like we should do it, doesn't mean we should. It may be a job, a car, a relationship, it could be anything! Something that we want or need or something that just seems to good to pass up. But remember all the ways that we can live with and move with purpose. That will help you see if something will lead you down the wrong path in life.
So WHY did I move forward into this relationship? Because I was broken!! My decision to partner with the person I did, left me emotionally broken and vulnerable to this next season of my life. I think sometimes when we are facing challenges and trials in life, one situation could serve to break our spirit in order to put us into an even worse one. (this is a great reason to make good decisions and KNOW WHO YOU ARE) I knowingly settled for a relationship that was less than what I wanted and less even than qualities in a mate I had WRITTEN down years prior. Why? Something in me believed I was never really going to get what I deserved anyway, I had been doing this over and over in relationships of all kinds.
They say that misery loves company and me and the boy, we were miserable together and doing it perfectly. We spent many a night at the local bar after we were off work and what I didn't know was that for my personality I had hit the misery jackpot--we drank together, we fought together, we were lazy together, he controlling and driven by anger and I the co-dependant taking the blame and trying to fix...everything. I was focusing on him instead of taking care of myself, too ashamed to admit yet one more mistake and defeat.
Before my weight-loss journey--
my only picture at a national monument-Doh!
SO...how does this intertwine with my weight-loss journey? I was unhappy and I was loosing myself in food, I had gained 10 pounds since opening the store, I never worked out, I was stressed out more than I had ever been and I was drinking to escape all that was wrong in my life. That and I wasn't addressing any of the core problems that my weight gain was just a symptom of! One afternoon in the store, I actually had a customer ask me if I was pregnant. When I said no, she asked if I was sure. THAT was my last straw. Did I want things to change? Desperately! Did I know how to change them? Not the slightest idea.
I left my business after a year and a half, relinquishing the remainder to my partner. I was able to then devote myself entirely to being miserable. Adding to my layoff, my partying, my weight gain, my unhealthy relationship now, I gently placed a failed business on the shelf next to all the other failures in my life.
I wanted to change SO MUCH and it took me a while to really decided how I was going to. I would have to change how I lived and at that point, I only vaugly understood what that meant. I knew I needed to lose weight & I was unhealthy, but Ithink that if I had know the FULL extent of what I was going to have to go through for health, I would have been more discouraged to start! Thank God I did, I had people like my Mom to tell me the truth: I weighed too much and I HAD to change.
My Mom! My biggest fan: by me in the good and bad, always cheering me on.
This is Mothers day brunch!
So, I bought a stair stepper for 50 bucks off of craigslist. I didn't know anything about gym equiptment--I was a former high school runner-- mediocre at best. What I knew was that it was cheap, it would make me sweat and I could fit it in my bedroom! Looking back I have to laugh at me up there stepping away for an HOUR at a time like it was a treadmill--it was the most boring workout ever!! I decided to cut out a lot of crap from my diet: cookies, sweets, junk food, fast food, bar food. I switched to chicken, fish, and veggies only for dinners and tried to eat healthy, that is as best as I understood it.
Up until that point, I didn't own a scale!! I found out my highest weight when I was at a local clinic donating plasma. So, I bought a crappy scale and started to see what the stair stepper and the salmon diet would do. I would sit in my room stair-stepping away, watching wheel of fortune, watching the minutes and calories on the machine go up little by little! It was such a hard workout and I would just keep chugging along. I didn't start cross training, biking or walking or anything, I just mindlessly suffered up there on that machine, waiting till I could go to the kitchen and eat dinner. Food was still such a huge motivation for me! It really is funny looking back but I felt so alone in my journey and so baffled by what I could do to move forward.
I had a pair of pants I called my goal pants: I snagged them from a free box in the laundry room and they were a pair of gray, straight and very plain Old Navy dress pants. Standing in my bedroom next to the stair stepper, I struggled to get them over my thighs and hips (just barely) and unable to bring them anywhere close to buttoning or zipping and told the boy "I WILL fit into these pants one day. I WILL". And I hung them in my closet with all my other clothes. There they sat for another year.
to be continued....