Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Loving what you don't love

Do you love every part of your past?

Let me restate that. 
Do you live in judgement of your past decisions and actions? 

If you do, chances are that judgement is linked to regret. 
And regret is just worry looking over it's shoulder instead of out ahead. 
Neither is good. 

Worry doesn't solve a problem, it doesn't change your circumstances, it doesn't add an hour to your day or life & it doesn't move you forward at all. 

Regret Doesn't change the past, it doesn't make you a stronger person, it doesn't mend relationships and it doesn't move you forward at all. 

Three plus years ago, I had a life filled with bad decisions, poor behavior and unbalanced actions. I spent much of my time living in regret and judgement over things I did and said, how I treated people and my general behavior. But it never did any good to move me forward, it did the opposite in that it kept me chained down to the past and to behaviors that I no longer took part in. 

It was three years of picking a scab that God kept trying to heal. Recently someone told me that until I got to a place where I can love all of who I am: past and present alike without judgement, I wouldn't really be able to be fully who I am. 

I completely see my life and self up to this point as being fully Mary with a not so great past, but a brilliant present and future. I know that all I have experienced and gone through taught me how to be who I am now, I was molded by my experience and I wouldn't change my path at all, or I wouldn't be the same person. BUT. Loving all of it? Not in a "oh I loved treating people poorly and lying to my loved ones" , but love in a true acceptance of all my faults and steps that brought me here, acceptance without judgement, a spirit of love. 

People do the best they can 
with what they have & know. 

We can't EVER judge someone's journey based on what we know, they may not have that insight or light yet. LIke a baby chicken, they need to break their own way out of the egg shell. If we don't allow them that process, they won't be ready for the next step, the next stage of life! They won't know how to fully step into who they are. They have their knowledge and light based on what they know then. We simply support. 

Did I do the best I could with the knowledge I had? Yes. When I gained more knowledge, did I alter my behavior, step forward and do something new? Yes. Can I look at lost Mary from 4-5-6 years ago and love her as she floudered through relationships and a drinking problem and shattered self esteem? Yes. I can love myself, and see that I did my best as I struggled against that egg shell, kicking and screaming, trying to break out and become who I am called to be.  

Here is what is true:
My path is not like your path, my journey is not your journey and it hasn't been the easiest, but it was mine. I needed to go through some dirt to see how I can shine! I had to feel the rain to see the rainbow. I had to stand alone to allow someone stand with me.  

I believed things about me that were false and once I realized they were false I tossed them aside, picked up the truth and placed it in my heart. I had to learn to trust what God said, I had to learn not to place so much weight in the world. I had to learn to forgive, learn to forgive again and then again. Then I had to learn to set it down and walk away. To examine situations, others, myself but not blame. I had to see what didn't work in order to know what would. 

What can I love? I can love myself, I can love who God is daily molding me to be through his gentle and patient hand. I can love that I he LOVES me enough to preserve me through all my lessons to bring me here to even start to mold me. 

He must see something: A lost little girl, dying for attention, acting out, dressing out, going out and doing things my own way even when no one approved or followed. I can love her, her unique spirit, her thirst and her drive. I am still unique, but now I show it in WHO I am not what I am, I just learned to express it in a way more true to my real self. 

 A lost little girl becomes hungry woman. Just consume and consume! Food, drink, dress, men--bring it on, let's have a little of everything and then a LOT of everything and when the excess starts to hang heavy on her...she just hides underneath it's darkness and secrecy. I can love her, even in her sadness there was strength. Never give up, never give in, never put that bottle down till you find the answer in it. If not this one, the next... I am strong now too, I just lift weights, lift others up in prayer and am a light in the darkness instead of hiding in it.  

When all the parties are over, the food unsatisfying, the possessions smothering, the effort to BE, DO, Deliver is just daunting... when doing the same thing over and over isn't working anymore except to exhaust and debilitate, then, broken and sobbing I love her too. She is raw, she is broken, she is at the end. 

Or is one end, just another beginning? 

Every step I took was my way of trying to be who I was, to find where I should fit, to create my joy!  All I worked so hard at, all that has went well, all that has not. My dreams that won't die, HOPE and JOY that can NOT be quenched. Resilience, strength, drive, thirst, all quiet, but still there as I sat down three years ago with a blank paper in front of me. 

Can I love my past, accept it as my path without judgement and fully move forward? I think yes. Life is rich and BEAUTIFUL. The imperfections that sting and surprise are the marbled fat, the flavor in the cut cooked to order. I can't wish things different in my past because then I wouldn't be here today and I wouldn't trade to day for a million dollars. 

I can't look back and want to erase those struggles that made me who I am, fast forward into some strangers "perfect" life. I like myself, I like my life, I don't want to be a different, perfected version of myself, I want to be who God has called me to be and is showing me daily--created in his image and set apart as colorful and unique just as I am.  I can love all of who I am and where I have been and all with gentle eyes, NOT regret. I will savor all that has brought me to today and all that will tip me over the next twilight to tomorrow. 

As they say on Twitter. That is all. 

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