Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Worth it...

There is something about this week... 
I feel like I am teetering. 
It could go either way and I am in the balance. 
in the balance
The me inside this vessel, the me in my patchwork heart with a little wooden door open a crack. 

I can choose tonight one way or another. One way I know, one way is new. One way is worth it for a while, one way is worth it for ME. 
I feel ... special, unique. I feel like I am worth it. 

Worth what? 
Whatever it is I desire, whatever it is I am after and whatever it is I have been waiting for. Whatever it is that I know, inside, deep down, in my gut, is what I want and is right. Not what I deem will do for now. I am through with "what will do".

I am through with pretending things are the way I want them to be when they fall short. I am in charge of what measures up in my life and I am not bending the ruler any more. 

I am through with pretending things said or done at my callings expense, at my desires price, are OK, just to feel comfortable. I need to be OK with NOT being comfortable. 

Fear, it's all fear, somewhere deep down inside of me I still think that I have to change, shift, create excuses and bend to get what I want. But what I want and what I expect must be askew. 

I want the best, I expect the best, but feel I have smudge the lines between better and best and when I do? End up with plan B. Why, why? It's backwards. I am not a plan B woman, no matter how, handsome, athletic or present the Plan B, may be. I don't accept that from others and I won't start accepting it for myself again. Ever. 

So, Guess what? 
 I sparkle. 
I sparkle, I do, with fistfuls of glitter and stardust, with soft heavenly dew from your day that never ends. 
I wear ruffles. Big, silky, girly ruffles and giggling I play hide and seek in them, then display them- proud plumes of my calling. 
I am marked inside and out, inked up with your love. It doesn't speak to anything but my journey. 
You are the one who reads beyond that cut, 
carved path in my skin. 
I am scuffed up. My imperfections? Inspirations to others, to me. 
I use to try and hide them, sad I wasn't like others who didn't fall, scuff their knee. 
I never embraced who I was as ME. 
But you know me inside and out and you never questioned why I had to take the road I did, you never wondered impatiently when I was going to get it right. 

You think I sparkle, like the clear rising sun, prism casting, diamond catching, high in the sky. You think I shine like the precious jeweled tones in the thrones, the gowns of royalty, sapphire heart handed to you. 

I am all these things, and none of them define me, I am nothing too, aside from you. I sparkle, I sparkle for you & because of you. So I choose the path worth it for me, knowing you are at the end of it. 

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